Day 4

I am in limbo, which I find to be rather odd because my mother told me once that the Catholics had gotten rid of limbo years ago. Limbo isn’t really all that bad, it’s kind of like watching T.V, I watch everyone living their lives but they can’t see or hear me. From what I’ve been able to tell I can change the channel simply by thinking of the person I want to watch.

I watch my children daily, making sure they are happy and safe. I wish I had spent more time with them my last day at home, instead of cleaning the kitchen and folding laundry all day. I should have played more with them, a board game, a puzzle, anything would have meant the world to them. I am grateful that I didn’t have to watch them after I died. I didn’t arrive in this place until well after my funeral, so I didn’t have to watch their little hearts breaking.

I don’t remember dying or any bright light that I walked towards, only darkness and then I was there in my living room, fully aware that I had died. The first time I saw them was a month after my accident. Mackenzie was curled up on the couch watching a TV show and Tania was sitting on the floor too close to the TV as usual.

“Kenzie, do you think Mommy can hear us if we talk to her?” Tania’s little voice asked her big sister without taking her eyes off of sponge bob on the screen.

“I hope so,” Kenzie whispered back. “I talk to her every night. Do you?” my seven year olds voice had aged, she sounded ragged.

“Yeah,” Tania nodded and I heard the muffled sniffle. She bowed her head so that her thick blond hair masked her face, but her shoulders were shaking, and it was plain to see that she was sobbing.

“Don’t cry, Tania,” Kenzie scooted off the couch and got down onto her knees next to her little sister, whom she had spent the better part of their 3 years as sisters fighting. She wrapped her thin little arms around her sisters shaking body and hugged her tightly. Tania reciprocated in kind and the two of them stayed bundled like that sobbing onto each others shoulders. “It’s going to be okay. Daddy said it’s going to be okay,” Kenzie tried to sooth her sister, but her words were mangled between her own cries.

“I miss her so much,” Tanias little voice tore at me, there was nothing I could do to console her. David, my husband, walked into the room just then and found our girls huddled together. He looked exhausted, ragged, and tender. He went to our little girls and scooped them both up into his arms and carried them onto the couch with him, where the three of them snuggled. He let them cry, and he consoled them with words of his love and assurances that I was in a happy place, that I would be watching them from heaven.

I don’t remember much of the day of my accident. I remember waking the girls up and getting them ready for the day. David had already left for work. The sitter had planned an outing for the kids that day, Kenzie was excited about whatever it was. Maybe they were going to the beach? It’s odd how I can remember some things vividly, like the feel of David’s hands on my forehead brushing my hair from my eyes. Other things, like what I was doing that morning are a mystery to me.

David has done such an awesome job picking up the pieces since my accident. The beginning was a little rocky, getting the girls dressed and out of the house in the morning were actually quite comical to watch. After a few months of it though he got the hang of it. He wears a watch now, something he’s never done in his life. He has a schedule, he knows where each girl is supposed to be on each day, something he always left up to me to remember. Kenzie hasn’t missed the school bus in months.

He looks so tired though, he’s aged at least five years in the last year. His brown hair is starting to look more salty then peppery, and he always picked on me for the two gray hairs I had! I’ve always admired his strength, his ability to withstand anything. I peeked in on him once while he was sitting in bed holding a framed picture of the two of us.

“You should see Kenzie, she is growing so fast. Her spelling is getting so much better, you’d be proud of the work she’s doing.” he was giving me his nightly report. He started doing this two months after my accident. “Tania is getting better, too. She’s starting to read little words, I’m working with her just like I remember you doing with Kenzie when she was younger. I forgot to sign them up for t-ball again this year, but they don’t mind. We’ll just play in our yard, the three of us,” he took a deep breath and looked up at the ceiling. “You know, don’t you? You know how much I love you, how much I miss touching you, looking at you,” he shook his head and put the picture back on the end table.

My heart hurts when I see these events, these moments where I know my touch will heal them but I can’t do anything but watch. Because when your in limbo you aren’t allowed to do anything other than watch, at least that’s what I think. There wasn’t exactly a greeting party when I arrived, I haven’t seen anyone. How do I get out of limbo? Is there anywhere else to go, aren’t there other people in limbo with me or is this my own private hell?

From the date on the calendar I know it’s been almost a full year since my accident, David is planning to take the girls to the zoo on that dreaded date. Keep their minds off of it, is what I heard him saying to who ever he was talking to on the phone. Lately, I don’t see as much as I used to. Colors are fading a bit, and the edges of my vision seem to be whited out. If I weren’t dead I would swear I had some sort of eye disease.

Kenzie is now sitting in the kitchen coloring while Tania is in the back yard blowing bubbles. David is cooking breakfast, one of big meals with pancakes, sausage and strawberry sauce. Kenzie looks up from her coloring book and looks right at me.

“Daddy, can we see the monkeys first when we go to the zoo?” she asks then looks back at her book.

“Sure,” he answers without turning from the stove. “Samantha.” my name, he said my name, but he’s not looking at me, Kenzie doesn’t seem to notice.

“Tania, wants to see the ones with the big red butts!” Kenzie laughs heartedly, it’s good to hear her laughing.

“Samantha,” he answers, but still he doesn’t look at her. “Samantha, move” his voice is harder, almost stern.

“David?” I try to make a sound but nothing is happening, Kenzie is still coloring, none of this is really happening.

“Sure sweets, we can see the red butts,” he says looking over his shoulder to smile at her. “Samantha, now!” he yells, but his face is still smiling, his lips haven’t moved. Tania is still blowing bubbles out in the back yard.

I think about my sister, hoping to move, to see something less confusing but I’m stuck. David’s voice again bombards me, echoing now inside of me. He’s still smiling at Kenzie, the pancakes are starting to burn but he doesn’t seem to notice. Kenzie has stopped coloring but hasn’t lifted the crayon from the paper, they seem to be wax figures , not moving, but the pancakes are still burning. There is black smoke rising from the stove, why isn’t he doing anything?

“Sam!” I hear him again and am propelled forward. I feel like I am flying, there’s nothing beneath me, maybe I’m finally moving to the next part, the next line or something. My hair is flapping around my face and I can’t see anything anymore.

“Now, lift…one….two….three!” I hear and again I am moving. There is still smoke around me, the smell is horrible.

“Sam, Samantha!” his voice is so shaky, is he afraid, why would he be afraid? Everything has gone dark, I don’t like this, I can’t see him, I can’t see my girls, where are my girls?

“What?” I hear his voice again. “Girls? She’s asking about the girls!” his voice lifts higher, he sounds hopeful. Why is he hopeful? Where are my girls, why can’t I see them, the pancakes are still burning.

“Pancakes? What? No, no Sam, your car flipped, baby. You’re gonna be fine, just hold on baby, don’t let go!” he is yelling again, why is he saying these things to me? I hear sirens, loud obnoxious sirens that are making my head hurt. Other voices are starting to chime in, I hear them but I don’t’ see anything.

“Samantha, we are taking you to the hospital. Can you open your eyes?” a strange voice says. Open my eyes? Aren’t they open?

“Good, that’s it,” I hear yet another voice. There is so much light it hurts. David’s face comes into view, he looks panicked in that calm way of his. I can see it in his eyes, but he is grinning at me.

“Hey!” he smiles wider and I feel his touch on my cheek. “Hey there!” he says again and I stare at him blankly. “It’s okay, don’t move, they have you tied down pretty good.” he explains when I try to move my hands. “Don’t talk, rest. We’ll be at the hospital in just a minute and they are going to fix you right up,” he assures me. I am not so sure, the pain is unbearable. The sirens are getting louder and I hear horns blaring now, too. The darkness comes again, I can’t see David anymore and the pancakes aren’t burning anymore, I can’t smell the smoke….


A soft beeping sound pulls me out from under the heavy cloak I feel that I am buried under. I feel a soft petite hand resting on top of my own. “Kenzie, honey you are squashing mommy,” I hear myself say, my voice sounds coarse and it hurts to speak.

“Mommy!!!” The familiar screech brings me to full attention and I fling my eyes open just in time to see my two daughters fling themselves on top of me.

“Kenzie, Tania! Don’t, you might hurt mommy!” David’s voice carries from the doorway before he rushes into the room, to my side. I look up at him, shifting my daughters back to my sides, they are hugging me so tightly I can hardly breath.

“It’s okay,” I whisper. The feel of them in my hands fills me with such joy and emotion tears flood my eyes and I hug them harder to me. The pain in my side is ignored, my daughters are clinging to me as tightly as I am to them. David sits in the chair beside my bed and rests his head on us.

“Thank god,” I hear him whisper and I reach over to pat him softly, such turmoil he has been through. I feel him touching my hand, his calloused hand is ecstasy to me. My family is with me, we are holding each other and we are together, in this place, in this reality, there is no more limbo. I am here and I have everything a woman could want… the love of a good man and her children.