Day 8

It’s what I do in the middle of the night. I sit and stare at the wall blankly, unsure of what to do. Do I think myself to sleep, going over and over in my mind what is bothering me or do I nothing and try to empty my head of all thoughts?

The bills need to be paid, do I do it now or do I wait until morning? Should I get the lunches made now or just give up on getting anything done and lay in bed, impotent.

Three in the morning, if I go back to bed and fall asleep right this second I might get another 2 hrs of sleep. More likely, I’ll lay there for another hour and get only one hour of sleep. Then the alarm will go off, and I’ll be exhausted because I will feel like I just fell asleep. Is it worth that sort of disappointment?

If I stay awake, I’ll get a lot of things done that I can’t during the day, but I’ll run out of energy right after the sun comes up and then what? I’ll have to get ready for work, there won’t be time for a nap, and I’ll be so worn out at work I’m sure to screw something up.

There’s a surgical case this afternoon at the office, did I call the insurance company for that? What if it need a referral, did I handle it? What was the case again? Did I need to order anything?

What time is it? Why is it that when you wake up from the nights’ sleep, it seems as if only lasted a few short minutes, but the person who is awake is suffering the insolence of the ticking clock? I suppose it’s the same when you have surgery. To the person who has the procedure only a few moments have passed, but to those waiting in the waiting room it has been an agonizing three hours. Well, I suppose that’s completely logical. The person who is sleeping doesn’t have the burden of time, it passes with or without them..

Time passes regardless of whether you are awake to endure it or not. Well, that sounds grim. Am I grim person? Do people think of me as a negative person or am I a positive influence? It would be silly to ask, wouldn’t it? I mean how would that sound? “Hey, what do you think of me? Am I positive or negative?” They wouldn’t tell you that you were negative, because that would be rude. Of course they are going to tell you what they think you want to hear. That’s what people do in these instances, they don’t give the actual truth, only the truth you want.

What time is it? I am so TIRED! Sleep! Dammit! Sleep! This is why I can’t sleep… because this is what I do in the middle of the night….